Its a New Year.
Time and energy management.
Where do I invest and expend myself?
So many thoughts on just where and how.
I inevitably circle back to the value of patience, pacing myself ,and giving attention/effort to those things set before me while watching them grow.
I have my white board that I write on each night before bed with things that I wish to accomplish for the following day.
I have my routine. For the most part I stick to it pretty consistently.
I’m trying my hand at working for myself while still being open to working for someone else.
It’s a process for sure. Trial and error greet me warmly. So far I have three gigs that I’m hoping will become self sustaining.
I did a bit of traveling this past week on top of my Christmas Holiday travel.
Ya’ll seriously don’t sleep on Frontier Airlines or Megabus.
I went to visit a close friend who is having a very difficult time.
There is value in sitting with someone, being near in their grief and sorrow. So often we get caught up on the right words to say when all is most needed is presence.
God relates to us through our nearness to each other. That is why the commandment to love is so important. We are literally being conduits of God’s love to each other.
At the end of this week I’m going to head to Houston Texas for the Gay Christian Network National Conference.
I am absolutely ecstatic. This will be my first time.
There are a ton of workshops I want to take part in. There are a number of speakers I want to hear and hopefully meet.
Most of all I’m just stoked to be around other Christians in the LGBTQ community.
Super grateful to have the opportunity to go.
If you follow this blog, you may be aware that I recently came out over the course of three blog posts. I had close to 600 views in just a few days and it was pretty overwhelming because the amount of views did not correspond to the amount of people who reached out. Which added to my hard to describe feeling of ‘what in the world is going on?’
What I wasn’t prepared for however was a sharply felt awareness of just how thin my skin was. I wasn’t prepared to face the fact that I truly care about what people think. I wasn’t prepared for the hurtful things people would say that they said was “love”.
I want so bad to be able to be the bad ass guy that says
“Behold the field where I grow the fucks I do not give!”
But alas, I’m not about that life. Not in the least.
I’m as sensitive as they come.
Growing up I remember thinking each year around my birthday
“this will be the year that I will get through life without crying”
8th birthday- “I won’t cry this year” fail
9th birthday- “I won’t cry this year” fail
10th birthday – “I won’t…” you get the idea.
What I realized was that many people were so accustomed to the idea that I was straight that the revelation that I was not has been a surprise.
I’d be remiss to not mention that I have received a ton of support as well. This has been life giving and I thank God.
I’m still trying to navigate how to respond and carry myself now that this part of me is more widely known.
Thoughts about vocation, faith community, and the future abound. In these things too, I’m pacing myself and giving my heart musings to God.
The dilemma for me lately is that there have been hurtful things said by people I love and I’m trying to have tough skin and also a humility that won’t put up walls and not respond in love so as to do the very sin I feel they are doing against me.
I’m praying and depending on God to be in me those things that I don’t have the capacity to be on my own.
Which brings me to another thing. ( Sorry, i’m just ranting here aren’t I? i’ll make this quick)
Let’s get something straight.
Ha, no pun intended.
There is nothing wrong with me.
Point blank and the period.
Someone asked if I was living a gay lifestyle.
I reacted instead of responding (which might I add goes against a consistent lesson taught to me by my dad during my adolescence, he would say “respond, don’t react” )
and I said , “are you living a straight lifestyle?”
Like seriously people.
Theres this whole other world that so many people- especially within the church would like to dismiss. There are more than just cis and hetero individuals in the world and even in the Body of Christ.
How we are is simply how we are. Our orientations and identifies are not inherently sinful.
I don’t have the bandwidth to get into why with this post. Maybe future posts? I’ll see.
We are fearfully and wonderfully made and bearers of God’s image too.
Gay. Lesbian. Bisexual. Intersex (it’s a tough pill to swallow for some to realize that Gender is not binary I know) Transgender, the list goes on.
There are resources. Tons of resources. Educate yourself. Talk to people. Here their stories. Love them well. Truly love them. Love them more than you love your theology or how you think you understand scripture and see how God works in that. Be willing to relearn.
I’m getting off my soap box now. I will post about my experience at the conference God willing after the conference this week.
Thanks for stopping by.