Clutter

My room is cluttered.

If you walk into my condo you will get a sense of openness, uniformity, clutter free- an almost zen-like presence in a semi small space.

Yet when you go into my room- it’s cluttered-
books everywhere,
ruffled bedsheets,
thumbtacked papers on the wall.
trophies I got from Tae Kwon Do competitions when I was 13,
boxes…

I woke up this morning after a week of being under the weather (I’m still sick but kind of emerging into a place of normalcy in functional health)and it dawned on me that I need to clean my room.

So many scattered thoughts which if you are reading this you can probably see where this may be going- dunno.

But the point is I need to clean my room.

I need to donate stuff.

I will, Today after I write this.

Decluttering my room will be a sort of decluttering of my mind as well.

Writing this random venting post will aid in that as well.

I’ve had so many thoughts lately.

Thoughts about life. Faith. God. Certainty, Uncertainty. The mess and beauty of life and journey.

I swear the bulk of my mental energy is a constant fixation on one or all of those things.

I am overwhelmed by a sense that God is greater than I can ever conceive- that (as many have speculated) every time I say God I say less than God.

I also get bogged down by ideas that I may be too radical or too much of a heretic for those in my life.

Ideas that because I am such an empath, and because I thrive on connectedness, friendship, and community – that one day I may be too far gone for those I care about most.

I genuinely get concerned with the idea of loss in this part of my life.
Here is just a glimpse into how some of the things that have become the fabric of my internal constitution with how I perceive reality might rub against the conventional notions in my circles.

I believe in Evolution

I acknowledge with deference and respect the findings of the Scientific community and allow that to inform and strengthen my faith in how God works in the world, in the Cosmos, in reality.

Yet in my faith communal circle (largely Protestant, Reformed, Urban-Missional, Fundamentalist, etc) many- a vast majority hold a fixed belief that our oldest ancestor is in fact 5777 years old.

Or that the earth is young.

Or how about this

I believe God permeates all of existence and can be found by any and everyone at any time.

Or how about this

I believe that Heaven and Hell are realities that are experienced in this world just as we anticipate those same realities in the World to Come.

As far as the eternal conscious destinies of billions of people on earth and their individual relation to the Son of God- I often think of a quote by C.S. Lewis from Mere Christianity where he says

“We do know that no person can be saved except through Christ. We do not know that only those who know Him can be saved by Him.”

Like, let that sink in.

Or how about this

I stand in awe at the vast sweep of Christian tradition and believe every Christian is my family.

I feel at home when I visit my friend’s Maronite Catholic Church or another friend’s Anglican church, even though I didn’t grow in either of those traditions.

I’m not put off or scared by the vastness and complexity of all who would name the name of Christ to themselves or their lives.

I’m not put off by people of other faith’s either for that matter.

Not only that!

but I believe everyone is my family- my heart constantly defers to inclusion and embrace- yet there are aspects of the fundamentals of my  Christian faith that seem to necessitate exclusion and I get that but in truth I also wrestle with it and hold it in tension – the tension between certainty and uncertainty.

These are just some of the things that concern me when I think about my current friendships, faith community, and the future.

I may just be too far out there.

I am  a Jesus student through and through.

I affirm the Nicene Creed.

I believe in the Judeo Christian Scripture / Holy Bible  and it’s authority (I also believe it to be as thoroughly Human as it is Divine- much like the Son of God)

I think in some ways I am a Mystic.

In some ways, I am a humanist.

I’m finding my way. I don’t have shit figured out – in terms of my faith, in terms of my life.

More and more I’m ok with the uncertainty – and I pray I never stop growing and I pray I never grow stagnant or ever loose the grounding in my being that says that I must chase compassion  always and love and worship God through the service and love of another-

of the another that is in the face of all of humanity.
I’m going to go clean my room.

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