The journey of trying to make part-time work sustainable continues.
To work for myself and pursue a sort of quasi- freelance is beginning to pan out.
For the first time in my life I am attempting to work for myself.
Ever since I was 14 I’ve worked – but it’s always been for someone else.
There are still a lot of uncertainties.
Work isn’t always as consistent or stable as I’d like.
I’ve been here before – where savings dwindle and income trickles.
Wondering how a particular bill or debt will be paid.
Something always falls through.
So at present my biggest goals are to be diligent in being productive with my 3 part time jobs- and to love and serve others in my life well.
I’m also continuing my coding course and have begun to audit this Religious Studies course from Harvard, it started a few days ago and was free so why not?
I plan to write more short stories. , that will hopefully tackle major social issues and inspire hope.
What I most look forward to is doing more background work. I’m excited to work on one particular show that I get to work on from now until June so that should be fun. I’ll also be on my third movie by the end of this month. I signed non disclosure agreements for both so I can’t share in depth about them here.
I plan to go back to school and right now I’m considering either Journalism or Social Entrepreneurship. Going back to college at 31 years old- sometimes I get embarrassed at never having “finished” or only making it half way, but then I have to remind myself that it’s all in my head and that I just need to live life and not be ashamed of any perceived failures or shortcomings.
Oh- and while I’m being all transparent let me share something that’s been heavy on my heart lately.
For my entire adult life I always thought that being gay necessitated an automatic life of celibacy and or marriage to the opposite gender. Nothing else was a thought, option, or possibility. I literally did not have a frame of reference within my head space to consider being with someone of my same gender.
It is only since about December or so that my entire paradigm has shifted.
I no longer believe my orientation to be something that I must “struggle” against.
I no longer believe that my unchosen reality of being relationally, emotionally and sexually attracted to the same gender to be a sin.
The shift in my stance from viewing part of me as broken to viewing all of me as something that is to be loved and accepted has thrust me into this whole new world.
A world of possibilities that I never imagined I’d be able to freely explore.
The clarity of conscience and confidence that has been birthed in me as a result of this paradigm shift has been something that I’ve literally had to pray about constantly.
For one, there are many in my life who think that such a shift is not only dangerous but damnable.
I must walk and do life with many who hold this view.
My prayer has been for a grounded heart of humility despite my confidence.
My prayer has also been to have a grounded heart that always operates in and out of love.
That grounded heart of humility means (at least as far as I can perceive God directing in this season ) choosing to stay in a faith community that believes God’s best for me is indeed to be celibate and to never be with and or marry another man.
That grounded heart of humility means nurturing and remaining in those life-giving friendships that God has blessed me with up until this point when so many who make such a transition lose both faith community and close friends.
When I think about the world of possibility open before me I get a range of emotions and feelings.
From being excited about what might be to being overwhelmed at the newness and unfamiliarity of it all.
All open to me now.
What do I do with that?
How do I do that?
I don’t know how to date- another man.
I don’t know how to be a “boyfriend”
For many gay people who come out later in life they go through what many call a “second adolescence” because a lot of these things: learning how to relate to a partner of interest, dating courting, etc…..these things are done by hetero people in their teens, early twenties at most.
They, as one straight friend said to me recently “never had to suppress my sexual orientation”
Quick side note. I remember about a month or so back I posted something on Facebook to the affect of “God loves me and I love all of me…”
and one of my Facebook friends pushed back and asked if it was ok for him to embrace his propensity to lust and watch porn if it was ok for me to love/embrace my homosexuality.
to explain that the two could NOT possibly equate but he didn’t / or wouldn’t (who can really tell?) get my point.
But alas! Like two days ago I came across another gay person who articulated it sooooo well. Like really well. So here’s some homework. Seriously check out this article called – “Stop Comparing Your Lust to my Sexual Orientation”
But yeah where was I going?
Yeah so, I’m a bit overwhelmed sometimes at the thought of dating- of getting out there and trying to find someone who I’d commit my life to.
I know I want companionship.
I know I want closeness and intimacy.
I am convinced that the answer to that is commitment- life long commitment and I’m prepared to seek that out / be open to it when and if it comes.
It’s scary, to be honest.
I haven’t joined any dating sites and don’t plan to. The only Tinder I’m familiar with is the bomb af steak that I know how to cook but I digress.
I really hope that if I found someone that it’d be organic- like we’d meet in a group of friends, or at church or in the line of a concession stand at the new Batman Vs Superman movie or something.
Sometimes I feel inadequate.
One day when I was particularly sad and bogged down by the thought of all my uncertainty at all of this, I reached out to one of my gay Christian friends who has been in a long-term relationship with another guy. His advice left me in tears. It was as if God knew I needed to hear exactly what He had to say. I’ll close this post with my friends wisdom. As always. Thanks for reading.
“I guess if I were giving advice, I would tell someone to be as secure as possible in your relationship with the Lord and with a community of friends with whom you are vulnerable. Make sure that your needs for intimacy are met in the most healthy ways possible so that you are looking to enter a relationship because of what you would like to give. I see too many folks trying to date in order to find fulfillment that really isn’t healthy or good.
If we trust God to guide our lives and to bring us opportunities to know Christ more and serve him more in others, then we have to let that extend to our romantic relationships. We can’t decide that in that arena we’ll do whatever we want because we’ve been repressed for so long. If we do take matters into our own hands; we cut ourselves off from the spring of life that flows from obedience to the Lord.
These are just some thoughts. “
Soooo good. Gah. I pray I never forget that advice.
P.S.- I almost forgot! I’m so proud of Governor Nathan Deal for standing up against LGBT discrimination in my state!
I’ve been really active in a small grassroots movement of individuals (including being part of 75,000 hand written letters!) who stood alongside businesses and clergy to oppose the passing of House Bill 757 and while the matter isn’t settled Governor Deal stated that he would not accept any Bill that would discriminate against anyone. Love that so much!
P.P.S. – I’ve partnered with one of my best friends to help a non profit organization deliver emergency aid to victims of the severe famine in Southern Sudan and Ethiopia. We are trying to amass funds throughout the month of March for a mass delivery of meals in April. Please give! It’s only .12 (twelve cents) per meal! I wrote a blog about it but you can scroll pass all of the words and click the link and give if you like! Thanks!