Last night, close to 1 am in the morning I had four police officers at my door.
I was so surprised – it was so unexpected.
They knocked on my door. I opened it wide with my hands raised.
They asked my name.
They asked if I had intentions of harming myself.
Connecting the dots….
It made sense now, I let them in, ashamed.
I walked over and sat in my big lazy boy and explained to them on the brink of tears why my friend in Texas had alerted them to come to my home.
See- I posted a short video after a long day,about 30 minutes before the police’s arrival.
The video was about how I was “done”.
The only thing is I didn’t specify what I meant when I stated in the short video clip that I was done and that’s what caused the alarm.
My dear friend in Texas saw the post and immediately called the police.
She is such a sweetheart . The story of how we met is crazy…
I was living in Texas a few years ago and decided that I would take a walk for 9 miles or so (I can’t remember) on a 103-degree day – barely hydrated and I passed out twice. She picked me up on the side of the road.
A white woman.
Picking up a black man in Buda Texas where I’m sure there aren’t a lot of black people because during my time commuting between Austin and Buda for work I didn’t see many black people but I digress.
Why was I done?
In this blog, I’ve written several times about my desire to stay at my nonaffirming church despite being affirming.
It was important to me that despite my internal changes and personal growth that I continue to serve and stay connected with the amazing community that God has blessed me with over the past few years.
Last night, late into the night I had this overwhelming moment where I realized that my desire to hold the two worlds/ realities in tandem may not be safe or healthy. I’ve been wrestling with this for a while and the realization of it all came crashing in on me like this heavy weight and I broke down.
Shaking,the whole 9….
I made the video and posted it- which wasn’t the best idea but I am grateful for the outcome. I shared with the police officers a snapshot of what I’m explaining here.
They were extremely supportive- one of them had a connection with an LGBT organization and recommended it. They officers made me call my friend in Texas in their presence. While on the speaker phone she was in tears and told me how much she loved me and was here for me and the water works on my end began again.
The police left.
I watched an episode of Halt and Catch Fire to take my mind off reality- (I’m binge watching this show on Netflix because it’s important to me right now but I won’t disclose why just quite yet)
I went to sleep.
Woke up this morning and wrote my Pastor an email in love about where I am what I intend to do moving forward.
I saw a picture once of a man holding a rope and the tighter he held the rope as it was pulled from him the more his hand was harmed.
When he let go of the rope his inner hand was red but at least what was causing the pain was gone and we would have time to heal.
The caption for this photo read…
“Sometimes there’s more harm in holding on than letting go”
I haven’t experienced any overt pain from my nonaffirming faith community. To be sure, I’ve experienced what I perceive to be love.
However I realize that my desire to serve in joy and just simply “be” – in all of my personhood and humanity – may not be understood, agreed with, accepted- etc.
And that’s ok.
Life is just that way.
It is what it is.
I’m not trying to take anyone anywhere they aren’t willing to go. That’s not my job.
I’m just trying to live my life as honestly and as best I know how. As cliche as it sounds God really knows me – all of me. He knows the floor of my heart and the core of my being and the secret places that are stirred and laid bare before His ineffable, unyielding presence. He see’s all of me…
Knows all of me…
He knows that all I can be is me. and be honest with that simple truth each step of the way in my grasping for Him.
It just might be time for me to move forward. To see what may be ahead without holding on to the idea that I can hold two divergent worlds in tandem. To let go of the idea that maybe I can exist in both worlds and maybe those I’m closest to and love most in this seasons will see what I see.
That’s not reality. I’m coming to terms with that.
Time will tell with what lies ahead. For now I’m going to literally spring forward…in faith and hope and always in love.
Chasing Compassion for humanity and a hunger for God…
This picture- which (my eye looks so crazy because the Sun was in it but I digress) along with my personal quote is where I stand at the end of the day. I think it captures well where I am at in this season of my life.
Thanks for stopping by.
A Video of someone articulating clearly my current theological stance on this issue.