See All of Me

I need to figure out how to deal with the non-affirming relationships in my life.

Early this year I had an emotional breakdown because of it.

I’ve yet to see a counselor to unearth a lot of what is going on within me since coming out.
At present, I still have relationships and there is a sharp contrast between the health and life that I feel with my friendships that are affirming, and the ones that aren’t.

Like I literally feel different.
For the friendships that are affirming, I feel truly loved and fully seen.
For the friendships that I don’t I feel misunderstood, not fully seen, partially dismissed and it’s sad because I know those friends care, and I’m sure they do love me but it really isn’t whole. It just isn’t.

On a deeper level it’s bigger than me.
Non-Affirmation is wrong.
It’s not God’s heart for the Church or for the people against whom the Church perpetuates non-affirmation.
People are literally interpreting ancient texts on actual individuals lives and contributing to emotional turmoil, depression, homelessness, and death.

Whole portions of people’s God-given humanity are being told,
“that’s sin”,
“that’s rebellion against God”,
“that’s a choice”
“that’s not in step with God’s design”
“that’s not human flourishing”
Not being fully seen is the heart of this for me.
Relentless insistence that something is sin when it is not.
God fully affirms me and there is no reason you shouldn’t.
I’m not the bad guy for wanting to distance myself for purposes of self-care.
I was told that I’m selfish for doing this, and self-aggrandizing.
Jesus practiced self-care and I’m still figuring this out.
Sometime’s its just not emotionally healthy to show up and have heart to heart conversation and feel deep down that you know this person sees part of you as making a willing choice or holding on to something that God see’s as evil when deep down you know God loves all of you and all you want  is that flesh and blood person right in front of you to see and say the same.
To say you are gay, God made you that way and you can live out of that and that’s ok, I see you.
The same applies for Gender Identity.

Anyway, this is my little vent and I have to figure this out.
I’ve lost some friends over this.
I’ve gained others.
I’ve even had friends who weren’t affirming come out and tell me they were and it’s been so life giving.
I just want more of that.
More friendships that I feel are wholly safe.

We all deserve that.


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