I shall behold you in my fatigue….
These are the words in one of my favorite contemporary Christian songs.
As I write this I feel fatigued.
Mostly because at my new job I’m on this crazy schedule.
For instance, last night I worked till midnight, then came back in to start a 9am shift.
It’s a little after 5 now and I’m at a coffee shop before heading to my Yoga/ TaI Chi class.
My heart has been deeply occupied with a number of shifting realities inside myself lately.
Primarily though, it’s been shifting in regard to my relationship to Jesus.
I have loved and tried to understand and follow Jesus and his teachings for the majority of my life.
It started as a young boy when I would make myself read my illustrated childrens bible over and over, until it “felt right” and a few years after that when I got baptized at New Jerusalem; an old Pentecostal Holiness Church with earthen smelling floors,wood pews and an elderly deacon that for many of my young childhood years, I thought was God.
Christianity has been foundational in my life in my developmental stages from childhood, to my teenage years when I had a number of mystical experiences and even into my adulthood.
I’ve even written a great deal on this blog about my faith.
Particularly as it relates to my journey in discovering and living out of my sexual orientation.
It’s with a bit of caution that I now type:
the faith I’ve known so well for so long,
and which has been so thoroughly integrated into the entirety of my being
is rapidly disappearing.
It may, already be gone.
Maybe writing this is my catharsis in coming to terms with what I already know deep down.
At my job I work with a number of specific types of servers and occasionally a client will request that one of their servers be wiped of its data and restored to it’s original state.
I feel like one of those servers in this season of my life.
A lot of data is being wiped from within me.
My relationship with the man from Galilee who has conquered over a billion hearts in nearly two millennia is much different than it once was.
It all started with this idea that maybe he wasn’t coming back and that maybe the sky wouldn’t crack and the world wouldn’t be made right from above.
Maybe the healing of the world and (or the continued fucking up of it) was all in the hands of every day human beings.
I also slowly began to come to terms with the reality that I didn’t know if he had been raised from the dead or not.
For so long I had always just taken it to be the case and never gave it any serious thought.
The same with the idea of him being God.
I had never ventured outside of the orientation of heart that said that, that was so.
I no longer believe in any of these things:
that he’s God,
or that he raised from the dead,
or that he’s coming back.
With that being said, of course that’s all speculation on my part, but so was my previous belief.
Does that make sense?
Sometimes the deconstruction of these things in my life have been overwhelming.
Yet there is this paired sense that everything is going to be ok.
It’s ok that I’m not of the same mind and heart of those devoted first century Jews who helped birth something earth shaking and history altering.
I’m not them and that’s ok.
For a time it was sufficient to be part of their story but I don’t find myself there any longer.
I’ve long had an expansive view of God, one where religious tradition in all its forms were attempts of human beings trying to connect with something within and without themselves throughout time.
I think it’s all beautiful and all connected and I’m ok with the tension of not knowing or having “certainty” (is that even possible?) and the mystery of ti all.
At this point in my life I’m more concerned with how to exist in this world as best I know how and with as honest of a conscience as I can.
I’m concerned with compassion and living in such a way that I can be a body and mind that will hopefully tilt towards the healing of the world and not not the messing up of it.
I’ll end by sharing a quote from a dear friend and fellow Spiritual Nomad, I asked him in deep concern when I first began to wrestle with the idea that Jesus may not be coming back as I had hoped for so long and my friend gave me comfort with these words
“I think its important to realize that Jesus isn’t “coming back” and there is no “coming Kingdom”, however, the Kingdom is a metaphor for the world as it should be, our best idea of reaching a utopia like state. I believe that God is moving us towards that- thats what evolution is all about. This idea is deeply embedded in every spiritual tradition- that through a process of growth and refining, we will create the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible. So, I believe our hope is our driving force to create this reality. But i don’t think its a guaranteed reality, like so many Christian teachers promise. We need to move along with the Spirit, keep working for the Kingdom, and one day, we may see it manifest on earth as in heaven.”
may it be so.
To my fellow Christian family reading this.
Please know I’ll be ok.
Please keep praying for me and loving me.
I promise to continue to live as Christ like as I know how.
I just know that the intellectual assent of certain beliefs/ dogmas and creeds (the Nicene Creed for example) won’t accompany me or be integral to my journey moving forward.
I think that’s ok.
I could be completely wrong on where I have landed.
I honestly don’t know.
I’m at peace with not knowing.
Who knows anything for certain?
I know I believe God to be bigger than the biggest thing we can collectively conceive and I believe this bigness is real, palpable and the source of and permeation of all that is.
I believe at the ineffable center of who we all are at our core there is love and that , that love comes from Love and we must love ourselves first in order to be vessels of love in the world.
I believe in love .
I believe in chasing compassion for ourselves and one another.
I believe in hope.
That’s good enough for me.
Grace and Peace
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