If I’m honest, when answering the question of why I am no longer Christian, I can only say that faith in that sense has become illogical to me.
Faith by it’s nature requires the person holding to it to give of themselves to something uncertain.
I won’t do that anymore.
I won’t give myself wholly to something that I don’t know.
I can give myself over to unknowing and uncertainty though.
There’s a paradox here.
It’s a paradox that I’ve landed on because of conscience fidelity.
A surrender to Agnosticism which says simply that I don’t know; as opposed to saying I do know about this God and this life I choose to give because of it.
I once banked all my internal energies on a certitude of worship of a God, and not just any God, but the God of the Jewish people who I had come to believe along with so many countless others was manifest in Three….
An Eternal Invisible Paternity
A Priestly, Monarch
And an Ineffable Force in the Earth and Cosmos….
I held on to these things in earnest until deconstruction began in my mind and heart and with each tightly held idea dissolved, I awoke..
Awoke to the present,
Awoke to a tangible empiricism
Awoke to myself…
Humility and Sobriety have become my companions in this uncharted head space along with a sense of lightness and freedom.
I’ve spent so much of my life pouring over sacred texts, and in these last days I’ve embraced the scholars practice of critiquing it ( to find the context, motive, and humanity in each page) that I’m now emerging into this place of pouring over the read of myself, and my own life.
Who am I and where am I going?
As a Queer, African American man, in an uncertain America, in a World seething with possibility and disruption…
What do I give my life over to now that it no longer hinges on ideas of Jewish Messiahs breaking the Sky to make everything and everyone right?
It circles back to the unknown….
There is this bright darkness…
A seeing through the unknowing…
Unending possibility to create and live in and out of what I choose to create…
Narratives that I choose to live by that may or may not be part of a sacred text- Judeo-Christian or otherwise…
There is me, with this heart beat, breath, awareness and energy to put one foot in front of the other, to live one day into the next, and to hopefully love myself and others each step of the way…
The Church Father Eusebius wrote down the following statement from the Christian Emperor Constantine in a body of work called “Life of the Blessed Emperor Constantine”. Every time I read these words I am humbled.
“Indeed my whole soul and whatever breath I draw, and whatever goes on in the depths of my mind, that, I am firmly convinced is owed to us wholly to the greatest God”
There were times in my life where I would utter and believe from the core of my being each of those words of Constantine.
And now I just stand in awe of the unknowing.
How is God?
What is happening in my, your, or anyone’s psyche when we begin to think, “God”?
It’s so deep.
Is God a bigger version of ourselves?
Is God beyond conception?
Is God the ground out of which everything arises?
Is God a specific event / occasion that we arrive at in our lives?
Are we all like a ship sunken at the bottom of the ocean, filled up with water yet immersed in it?
Are we immersed in the divine?
What is the distinction between the Imagined, the Symbolic and the Real?
There are volumes that attempt to answer these very questions by great minds.
I simply regurgitate them here on this blog.
But for all thats written, argued and contemplated the Bright Darkness remains for every single one of us..
Faith or no faith…
We have this one life to decide what’s best for us,
To be true to our conscience as best we can..
Thanks for stopping by.
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