Until the next movement comes…

I had this mantra, prayer that I would always say when I was a Christian.

It was a passage from one of the oldest letters in the New Testament.

Galatians 2:21

I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me and the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me…

This was such a beautiful and powerful expression of faith by the Apostle Paul.

I would pray/say this passage multiple times a day in an affirmation of my own faith; of my own identification with both the man and idea of the Cosmological Deity of Jesus.

I loved this passage so much that I had a shortened version tattooed on my arm.

It says simply , “Not I but Christ”

I looked at my tattoo recently and realized that the ink that has been impressed within my own flesh and blood should be rearranged.

My tattoo should rightly read, “Not Christ but I”

After losing faith, I’ve become more and more self centered.

Whereas before there was this idea of Jesus and God and my perceived telepathy, mental assent and service of what I understood to be a response to my conception of Jesus and God, has now become a more grounded question of, “how do I understand myself and how do I exist in the world?”

There’s the question of what is life allowing me to experience and how do I subjectively navigate  how my inner world (the only world I know) engages the outer-world of reality around me.

What do I do with this gift of life as an emergent independent yet connected being on this planet in this cosmos.

I realize  that the language of self centeredness as opposed to Christ centeredness may come across to some people of faith as a betrayal.

Yet I think it’s deeper than that.

God (whoever or whatever God is) overrides my agnosticism and is still guiding me, before me, around me and in me, piercing all that is. As Christa Black beautifully articulates

“The real God’s Presence is woven inside in every subatomic particle in the universe, and nothing that has been made has been made apart from Him–making Presence always accessible”

My fidelity to my conscience, and my development of a personal life ethic, (which for the record is simply responsibility and compassion towards myself and others) is obedience to God.

My agnosticism is following God simply because it’s an honest response to my existence by simply surrendering to the uncertainty of reality and that includes belief in God or lack there of, or the uncertainty of it.

My being unshakably committed to the real is being immersed in God.

My being focused and immersed in the here and now, in this life is submission to God, religion,

empiricism,

science,

compassion,

suffering,

death,

sickness,

mindfulness,

being present,

it all belongs,

collapsing wave functions,

particles,

physics,

energy,

adaptation,

evolution,

love,

sex,

heart break,

hurt,

pain,

anger,

mistakes

poor judgement

failure

reconciliation

healing,

lust,

horniness, 

the processes and responses to my higher and lower brain functions…

it all belongs..

and if there is a God then whatever God is, has to encompass all that belongs because there is nothing that doesn’t belong. Because it all simply is.

And back to Jesus.

I readily identify with him too.

His humanity.

His inevitable suffering

pierced me- like jesus 

human me like Jesus

Son of the Source and the Source itself

I’m a son of the cosmos and the cosmos is in me..

I along with all of existence am a product and extension of whatever the First Cause is…

It all belongs

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Any reader remotely familiar with my blog knows that it’s full of free form conscious thought and a ton of grammatical errors.

I’m ok with that. The catharsis is helpful for me.

If I die, I’ll be leaving these words behind.

I’m going through some challenges in this season, but who isn’t ?

Just over a week ago I was excited to find out about my ancestral heritage as told through the gift of science. Most prominent in my blood are the people of the Ivory Coast and Ghana.

Yet as I write this I have this somberness because a moment and a day can bring deep sorrow and regret and a desire to turn back the hands of time. There is also this  constant thought of the dangers of comparison and fear of scarcity in resources and scarcity in myself.

Every moment forward I have to remind myself of the importance of mindfulness because this moment and the next and the next and the next are all I have.

Like complicated Yoga movements, life has difficult moments that have to be lived in and breathed through until the next movement comes.

I’m realizing more and more that the only constant in the world is change.

That ceaseless river and the choices that must be made in tandem with the flow of the current. 

I’m still processing what that means for my own life.

I need to stop at some point, so I think I’ll end here.

Thanks for stopping by.

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