I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be –
It’s been a short while since I made a post. I love the catharsis and release every time I come to this tiny space of vulnerability. I also want to thank you in advance for taking the time to read.
Life doesn’t always happen the way we plan.
When 2017 started I had my year mapped out.
I’d just sold my condo in December of 2016 after having it for six years and was extremely fortunate to have a good amount of equity in a place that I’d almost lost in the third year of making mortgage and HOA payments because my income screeched to a halt at the time.
New Years Day, 2017 I jumped into a relationship on a whim because rose colored cornea is a thing, google it. We didn’t know each other and I wasn’t ready.
January 4th, I started a new job that I planned to be at for at least two years with the hopes of buying another property by end of this Summer. That two-year aspiration lasted just about 6 months.Although I enjoyed what I did, deep anxiety would surface whenever I had engagement with my boss. It wasn’t a healthy fit for me. I stepped away.
Midsummer- mid-year is here and I’m dealing with singleness, and stepping away from a job without having something else in place. I don’t recommend it and I only had the confidence to do so because I had money from the condo sale and figured I could have a cushion to pull from if needed.
Aside from these challenging things though a number of good things happened:
I finally got a therapist after years of neglecting mental health care.
I began to make tangible steps towards my desire to become a screenwriter. I wrote often and entered into different screenwriting competitions, some of which I’m waiting to hear back from.
I deepened my Yoga practice, which helped immensely with my breathing, anxiety, physical fitness and desire to be mindful and more compassionate towards others and to myself.
I went on a life-changing trip to Puerto Rico with some amazing new friends.
Just three weeks after leaving the job, I said yes to an offer to move from my home city of Atlanta to California for an 18-month contract job.
So while I may not be buying another place mid-summer the way I’d hoped or in a relationship (I still deeply want this but it just isn’t in the cards for me at this time), things are falling into place as they should.
Life always does that.
It’s a lesson I quickly forget and yet that lesson always embraces me in moments of fear, disorientation or uncertainty.
So I hope that whatever you are going through, (especially if things are uncertain) that you breathe deep, trust and move with the process.
You got this.
You are stronger and more capable than you know. Life is dynamic, engaging and without lack; no matter how much narratives of scarcity dominate our cultural mind.
I lost my Christian faith earlier this year too. I’m still working through what this means for my life.
If I can be as succinct and thorough as possible I’d say that Agnosticism has been freeing for me.
My spiritual life crisis of my commitment to and wondering about the divinity of the man Jesus and rather or not he is going to return to make the world right has evolved into this inward focus and realization that I am enough.
Not only am I enough; you are too.
I don’t know rather or not the men and women who turned the world upside down millennia ago in Palestine actually saw a resurrected man or not, but I do know I am alive today and there are resources that empirically show the intricacies of the connectedness of our species with that of the entire cosmos and I have a responsibility for my breath and action right now.
That is enough to stand in my own power.
That is enough to live in my own autonomy.
That is enough to convict me to be compassionate and responsible right now.
My own intuition and awareness are enough.
I can do this of my own accord, and without any ancient narratives superimposed on my choices.
I can do this without thought for rather or not there is a world to come, and if I have inherited it or lost it, because all I see is this one.
I can do this with peace of mind, clear conscience and without apology.
I can do so with grace and humility.
I must do so with grace and humility because I’m ain’t shit and I am.
I can take on the title and surrender of the uncertainty that Agnosticism claims, and yet still believe in the vastness of something bigger than myself, rather that can be called God or not I don’t know, and that’s ok.
Rather that can all be attributed to a Rabbi from the first century I don’t know, and that’s ok too.
I do know I’m enough.
I do know that my life affects the next life and all lives and that I’m connected to everyone and everything.
More often than not we look outside ourselves when what we seek is within.
There is something to be said about the idea that our idea of God is a natural result of the anthropological development of our species as Homo Sapiens.
If this is true then it would make sense that we would see the value of turning inward again when understanding the divine.
So many people around the world are awakening to this.
Yearning to make heaven out of earth now and are no longer content to pour over ancient texts constantly or argue the nuance and minutia of dogma and different mental posturing on stances.
People all over the world are choosing and awakening to connectedness over exclusion and division.
People all over the world are awakening to a reality that All of Life is Sacred Scripture: able to be read, meditated and drawn from, able to spark new ideas and speak true and beautiful things in different, clearer and even new ways for higher consciousness.
It’s so much deeper than a singular faith, a subjective experience or a narrative above all narratives.
Life itself is its own supreme meaning,
The connectedness of everything that emerges from life is what we must awake to in ourselves and for one another.
Humanity is divine all its own.
I am enough.
You are enough.
I don’t know about Jesus, and I don’t know about God, but I certainly believe in life and love, and I certainly believe in human beings,
Whatever God is, there are 7.5 Billion impressions of God for a more compassionate world and a brighter tomorrow.
One last thought before I go.
There are 330 Million Gods in Hinduism. Each is seen as emanations of the Supreme God.
Honor is given to these deities in daily and communal life.
I think about what I can learn from this.
When is the last time I honored heart beat, breath, intuition?
When is the last time I honored life itself?
When is the last time we bowed to inspiration, creativity, love, or compassion?
When is the last time we honored our fears? Or those hard things in life that teach us, challenge us and make us stronger?
Today and in the moments that are to come let us acknowledge and honor those many things that add value and depth to life, let us honor life itself.
Mindfulness will bring us deeper, deep into ourselves, and deeper into our connectedness to one another.
Our Spirituality, in whatever capacity we choose to hold it, can be as unique and diverse as we are.
When I do Yoga, I’m honoring the temple of my body in each breath and each movement. I’m entering into the sacredness of it’s inner chamber, seeing and beholding the floor of who I truly am, and giving honor and worship there. Loving myself there because I am enough. I am worthy.
Thanks for stopping by
I just want to be my best self for a better world, one day at a time.